how can this not be true?

happiness is not trying to make yourself happy, but to see others happy... that's when true happiness achieved

- Yoseph Kurniawan-

I am happy..

that I can see you again...
that I can hear your voice again...
that I can see your smile again...
that I can see all the funny things you did again..

I just can't believe that this is really happening...
Looked and felt surreal, but I do know that this is real..
I hope it will only become better and better...

Landscape. Machinery. People

Alicja Iwanska a Polish anthropologist, divided the world of human beings into three categories from Western farmers perspective.

The first category is landscape. Distant mountains, trees, scenery and the un-manipulated environment. As mush to the enjoyment, it does not have any emotional content of relation for the viewers.

The second category is machinery. They have high value and cared for it because it is important to them to increase their productivity.

The third category is people. Friends, neighbors. They are human beings with whom they live, grow up and died with, and with whom one has constant emotional relationships on the social and business level.

Interestingly, how we often view human beings is similar to the analogy above.  We tend to view them as landscape and machinery, but not people! In the church, for instance, how many people do we look merely as landscape? They might look good and interesting, but had no emotional content whatsoever to us, in which we are not even bothered with it. And how many people do we view as machines? A friend of mine shared that some people in her young adult ministry felt that they were just being used in the ministry, just as those machinery. They are being cared for and kept in their proper place as long as they do us good.  We like to have them around as long as they keep their place and do not disturb our circle of comfort zones. How utterly characteristic is the tendency for us as Christians to look on human beings as machinery! This is exactly how the world views human beings these days!!

What we need to do now is to come to the fundamental realization of a human being in order to make a change. If we are going to be persons among people, our privacy, our established patterns of what convenient and comfortable are to be drastically modified. Our sense of belonging to ourselves will have to be filed away and we will have to develop a sense of belonging to others.

Are we ready to answer the call to be the salt and the light? 

Are we ready, as Paul says to “become all things to all men so that by all means we might win some”?

Extracted from William A. Smalley’s The World Is Too Much With Us

I missed you..

I missed you...
A few months back I had beautiful moments with you..
When morning and midday waves just break on the sea shore..
When the wind blew gently and whispered peace...
It was just beautiful.
I can't even hide my smile wherever I go

But then the storm came and things changed...
The night creeped in and darkness swung the wind into no man's land..
Turbulence began as the ocean's roar..
I know you're still there.. but we didn't talk much anymore..
at least not as much as before...
and I missed it, a lot...especially in the morning when I use to open my eyes and smiled at you
When I talked to you and you whispered hope in my ears..
A voice of love that gave peace in my heart..
Oh I how missed those moments of beauty..

the most of it...

I don't know what happened with you guys...
But what you did lately did not help me at all
I've been trying to escape from this imagery for sometimes..
As slowly I drew back from you guys..
Knowing that it will only make it harder in the end.
But each week why did you have to ask that question again and again?
Why do you all even have to brought it up?

It's coming to the end now,...
Being with you all for more than two years add the taste in my life...
Knowing you all has brought a lot of inspirations into my life
You have coloured my life with things that I couldn't imagine before..
I can never erase those from my memory or my heart, forever
I know that I will miss you guys, a lot...

small and unimportant...

So, these past days something different had happened...
As small and less important as it may be, it is a very good sign..
for only in small and what seemingly unimportant things that my life rely on these days..
No matter how small it is, it brought meaning into my life...
It is how I see God working in my life
Every bit is a sign of hope...
Thank you...

do you know...

do you know...that I always admire your heart?
do you know...that I'm so proud of you?
do you know...that you're the one who knows me best?
do you know...that I only want the best for you?
do you know...that I always regretted myself every time I yelled at you?
do you know...that I always prayed the best for you?
do you know...I wish people wouldn't say things that hurt your feeling?
do you know...how stupid I feel thinking that I'm better than you?
do you know...how angry I am when people compares us?
do you know...how much I want you to be happy?
do you know...how much I loved you?
do you know...that no matter what I will still love you?



just shared the poo story tonight =D (yea, I know.. not the best story to tell)
but I realized that you're the best brother I ever have in this entire planet..
love you always Yos.. 
always...

another morning prayer

Lord,
teach me to be humble,
to accept people the way they are,
to accept those who are not accepted by others,
to show kindness, joy and peace to my surroundings.

Lord,
teach me not to quit when the going gets tough,
but give me the courage to change the things I can
strength to face all challenges...
and wisdom to decide my actions...
let me smile to the storm in front of me...
For I know where my strength comes from
and for who holds my future...

Lord,
may this day brings peace and joy...
may your blessings flow through me
so others may see your tender love and mercy...

graduate studies?

yesterday I was called by one of my lecturer and asked whether I am interested to take a scholarship for an MA programme.. I was like.. whoaa!! mee?? and still keep asking that very same question after I went out from this lecturer's office.

Well this is new, totally!
It's a 9 months program in Ireland, studying rituals and chants..
Another huge unexpected news that can change my future...
Indeed it was really a surprise..

Post graduate studies? now?
Where I never think such a possibility at this point of time?
Where I have settled (and somehow constrained) myself to what lies in front of me?
Indeed it was such a big surprise...

As interesting and exciting the challenge may be,...
I need to decide soon since school will start in September.
More discussions and prayers need to be done within the next week...
But whatever happens,...
I'm just grateful for what's happening in my life at this point of time ...

coffee

it's not that I'm really into it or loved it so much...
it's just because I need it these days.
but now I'm searching, learning and yearning for good coffee..
need to find 'coffee guru's' to teach me...
hope I won't get addicted though...

and yes, I am changing... =D

'tiny' revelation

Yesterday during the "once in a year session" with my mentor I had a 'tiny' revelation. I shared her about me having ADHD and interestingly she knows a lot about this kinda thing!
she told me that instead of ADHD, probably what I have is actually ADD or just ADS, coz I didn't really showed any hyperactive syndrome or disorder. We talked a lot about it and I think I knew myself better afterwards, or at least I know other people who could accept me better from this condition. The conversation was good and it stretched until almost 1,5 hours, which I thought would only took less than 1 hour. After 1,5 hours of that 'tiny' revelation session, I know that I am on the right track so far..

morning prayer

Teach me to walk with you in trust and obedience...
Let me not be troubled with what lies ahead of me,
but let me put my trust in you.
Let your peace abide in me so that I may share it with others...


"Do not let your hearts be trouble. Trust in God" John 14:1

walk the talk...

huff... today was quite intriguing...
relationships, again..
sometimes its just so hard to do what you think..
walk the talk is not so easy after all,
especially when ego and selfishness is still very much in control..

But I guess whenever God is leading and we give ourselves to his will and perspective, then no matter how much ego we have, no matter how selfish we are, we will be able to see his way and we'll realize how he answers our prayers, providing our needs (not our will), guiding us in every step of the way and giving the best possible directions...
still it doesn't mean that its gonna be easy to walk the talk..

Yes, relationship always talks about how to love others..
But to love others we need not our pride and selfishness..
What we need is humility from which care and acceptance came about for acceptance is the beginning to love..
living a life of love is what I believe living in God.
still, walk the talk is not that easy...

you just made my day

and close my entire -not so good- week with a big smile
thank you!! =D

anti depressant ...

Swimming has been proven to be an effective anti depressant medicine for me so far, ...
But today it didn't work. in fact it leaves my entire body aching afterwards...
what is going on with my body this week?

at the beginning

found an old song which I really like back then.. 
still cool tho...


We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

the book

I know the road is still long and nothing is certain at this point..
but should I close the book of what use to be an exciting and adventurous part of life, a book that has coloured my life for all this time?
I know I am thinking about that possibility...
and somehow I am doing that, unconsciously...
What used to be a huge flare has dimmed a lot..the fire has gone...
and I know I am changing ...
This process is really tiring me up..
but I do believe it is for the better ...
so help me God to adjust to all these changes..
Whether I should close this book or keep it open, I surrender it to you, so when the time comes, I know what decision I have to make...

a good day, almost...

after two not so good days, I was hoping that today will be better...and indeed it seemed to be, although I had to take two cups of coffee in the morning and during afternoon class break..
but I dunno why something had to spoil what could've been a good day...
I really don't... but what can I say?
this is such an unexpected life...

Life is like a Mountain

Life is like a mountain. 
Reaching its peak is the aim.
However trails are difficult to go through.

But what's important are... 
The lessons I've learned,
Challenges I've experienced,
and the people I'm with in my journey.

shift

Yes I can see that my life is shifting and I am changing...
Yet I'm so new to these changes..

perfect

you're perfect in my eyes...
what more can I ask ?
I've travelled through time and place
I walked through different paths
walking on sandy beaches, looking at the endless sea..
hiking up hills and mountains, listening the wonders of nature..
conceptualizing and connecting my heart and mind
trying to find what is perfect and what is not..
finally to realize that what I need to do is to accept
for you are perfect in my eyes...

I will keep on walking...
I will keep on running...
I will keep the journey...
I will keep learning to trust...
I will keep learning to believe...
for you are perfect in my eyes..

A lesson of love, sacrifice and life

It is Good Friday...
and as I woke up, the best thing that came out from my mind was a word play to a friend who was having his birthday. Since his first name is the same with the word "Good" in Good Friday..."Agung, Jumat (nya) Agung" or in English, "Good Friday, Good"..so the word play fits in well

then another unexpected thing happened again after church. My aunt told me that her sister in law had catalepsy and was in ER at Mt. E. Well I was going there anyway but that news prompted my mind.. "what's going on?" the very same question I always asked myself (or God) whenever I had an unexpected thing or news (which has been very frequent this year). so yea, that question is quite famous these days, at least for me. I don't even know them, this lady and her daughter.. I never met them.. now I'm visiting them, and she's in ER. what should I say to them? I'm not good in these kinda thing at all.. it freaked me out..

But there I was, in the ER.
And as I checked with a nurse there, she told me that she had left ER..so I search for her room. In the lift I bumped into a lady in her bed with the nurses and a young girl which turned out to be them! but I didn't know that until I enter the room and found that they are also going there.

And yea, so I talked to her daughter.. who then started to cry as she spills her story about her mum..I felt compassionate for her. She is soo young.. yet she had to face this condition alone since she's the only child and no one else were there... she was confused, literally confused, not knowing what to say or do..

her mum was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago, already in stadium 4, the latest phase of cancer, the most dangerous one that is.. since then she went back and forth to Singapore for treatment and chemo... but this time she wanted to checked whether she also had stroke or not since there were symptoms about it. There wasn't thank God, but her physical condition was very weak.. she even couldn't take the last chemotherapy.
and while they were in a cab, just gong out from the hospital on their way back to the airport, then suddenly she had catalepsy. she fainted and her daughter panicked. They went back to the hospital.

So there I was, a stranger to everyone in a place which I dislikes most (this, and funerals). Not long afterwards her cousin came and so there were the 3 of us.. which I think is better for her. From her sharing, I realized that it has been a heavy burden for her.. her dad left them for another woman recently, which then make the case worse. She said that she can't take this much longer... at the other hand, by how I listened to her mum's sharing, I saw that her mum's spirit is still high.. she still has a passion to live...

I understand how hard it could be for this young girl...
I can't just tell her not to give up on her mum...
who am I to say such things to her? I didn't experience what she had gone through...
what I can do, maybe, is just to support her mum and show the daughter that living is worth fighting for.. no matter how hard and difficult the path is...

I believe God gives and takes away..
I also believe our part is to cherish what he has given.. LIFE
a life that you gave us by sacrificing yourself on the cross..
what a Good Friday you have given me..
Thank you O Lord..
for you have taught me a lesson of love, sacrifice and life...

(thanks K, for making me realized how amazing my Good Friday actually was, and how good my God is)