help me...

where I'll go, I don't know...
at this point the road do not show its end nor destination.
help me to be like Abraham, to walk in no man's land with only faith and nothing but faith.. help me to put my faith in you in this pilgrimage of trust..
help me for I am weak and unworthy..

Love

This is the only definition I know about love.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails"

I will learn

I haven't had this kind of feeling for sooo long..

One day you feel happy but the next day you felt lousy..
Your emotions is being stirred and shaken.. and you don't have any clue of what's going on.
how fast things changed and you don't even know where you're standing or where to place your foot next

I will leave it that way for I'm learning to trust.
I'm learning to accept, and I'm learning to love...
I'm learning to care and I'm learning to persevere
This is a part of what you have been doing to change me, this is what you want me to learn...

I will pray and I will sing
I will surrender to your will
I will remain weak and small
So you can always be strong and big
And I remain in your plan

HOME again... where??

graduation

the one and only graduation I wish I can forget about...

lifted and smacked down

before sunrise

before sunrise is one of my favourite movie...
there are only two people in the movie and they were just talking, simply talking...
but what made me love this movie soooo much was the depth of their conversation..
It was simple, deep, interesting, intriguing, enriching and inspiring...
I was lost for words to describe this movie... it was simply brilliant!

interestingly enough, I think I had my own version of this movie...
It started around two months ago at a western part of Jakarta
and continued at a night in Singapore just a week ago...
from midnite, till before sunrise. Pure talking, simply talking.
it was just a great piece of memory which I thought never existed in reality....
the movie ends before sunrise...
my story? it just began...

here I am

My days in TTC is now numbered by days...
this is what I have been waiting for so long...
(since the day I arrived probably? hehehe)
I don't know whether me being here has shaped my character or has trained my knowledge better..

What I do know its a place of process.
A process of knowing my self better, of expanding my horizons, of knowing this world a bit better, and to participate in it.
It is a place to find my conviction and to live up to that conviction with no doubt anymore.

Once I graduate, people may have a lot of expectations from me, no doubt about it.
It sometimes scares me because I know that I don't know much and I am so limited..
but I have to say, this is about giving back time..
after all of this is over, it's time to give back
everything I have....

So here I am, ready or not...

"FUN.K.Y"

yeap, we are fun !!

how can this not be true?

happiness is not trying to make yourself happy, but to see others happy... that's when true happiness achieved

- Yoseph Kurniawan-

I am happy..

that I can see you again...
that I can hear your voice again...
that I can see your smile again...
that I can see all the funny things you did again..

I just can't believe that this is really happening...
Looked and felt surreal, but I do know that this is real..
I hope it will only become better and better...

Landscape. Machinery. People

Alicja Iwanska a Polish anthropologist, divided the world of human beings into three categories from Western farmers perspective.

The first category is landscape. Distant mountains, trees, scenery and the un-manipulated environment. As mush to the enjoyment, it does not have any emotional content of relation for the viewers.

The second category is machinery. They have high value and cared for it because it is important to them to increase their productivity.

The third category is people. Friends, neighbors. They are human beings with whom they live, grow up and died with, and with whom one has constant emotional relationships on the social and business level.

Interestingly, how we often view human beings is similar to the analogy above.  We tend to view them as landscape and machinery, but not people! In the church, for instance, how many people do we look merely as landscape? They might look good and interesting, but had no emotional content whatsoever to us, in which we are not even bothered with it. And how many people do we view as machines? A friend of mine shared that some people in her young adult ministry felt that they were just being used in the ministry, just as those machinery. They are being cared for and kept in their proper place as long as they do us good.  We like to have them around as long as they keep their place and do not disturb our circle of comfort zones. How utterly characteristic is the tendency for us as Christians to look on human beings as machinery! This is exactly how the world views human beings these days!!

What we need to do now is to come to the fundamental realization of a human being in order to make a change. If we are going to be persons among people, our privacy, our established patterns of what convenient and comfortable are to be drastically modified. Our sense of belonging to ourselves will have to be filed away and we will have to develop a sense of belonging to others.

Are we ready to answer the call to be the salt and the light? 

Are we ready, as Paul says to “become all things to all men so that by all means we might win some”?

Extracted from William A. Smalley’s The World Is Too Much With Us

I missed you..

I missed you...
A few months back I had beautiful moments with you..
When morning and midday waves just break on the sea shore..
When the wind blew gently and whispered peace...
It was just beautiful.
I can't even hide my smile wherever I go

But then the storm came and things changed...
The night creeped in and darkness swung the wind into no man's land..
Turbulence began as the ocean's roar..
I know you're still there.. but we didn't talk much anymore..
at least not as much as before...
and I missed it, a lot...especially in the morning when I use to open my eyes and smiled at you
When I talked to you and you whispered hope in my ears..
A voice of love that gave peace in my heart..
Oh I how missed those moments of beauty..

the most of it...

I don't know what happened with you guys...
But what you did lately did not help me at all
I've been trying to escape from this imagery for sometimes..
As slowly I drew back from you guys..
Knowing that it will only make it harder in the end.
But each week why did you have to ask that question again and again?
Why do you all even have to brought it up?

It's coming to the end now,...
Being with you all for more than two years add the taste in my life...
Knowing you all has brought a lot of inspirations into my life
You have coloured my life with things that I couldn't imagine before..
I can never erase those from my memory or my heart, forever
I know that I will miss you guys, a lot...

small and unimportant...

So, these past days something different had happened...
As small and less important as it may be, it is a very good sign..
for only in small and what seemingly unimportant things that my life rely on these days..
No matter how small it is, it brought meaning into my life...
It is how I see God working in my life
Every bit is a sign of hope...
Thank you...

do you know...

do you know...that I always admire your heart?
do you know...that I'm so proud of you?
do you know...that you're the one who knows me best?
do you know...that I only want the best for you?
do you know...that I always regretted myself every time I yelled at you?
do you know...that I always prayed the best for you?
do you know...I wish people wouldn't say things that hurt your feeling?
do you know...how stupid I feel thinking that I'm better than you?
do you know...how angry I am when people compares us?
do you know...how much I want you to be happy?
do you know...how much I loved you?
do you know...that no matter what I will still love you?



just shared the poo story tonight =D (yea, I know.. not the best story to tell)
but I realized that you're the best brother I ever have in this entire planet..
love you always Yos.. 
always...

another morning prayer

Lord,
teach me to be humble,
to accept people the way they are,
to accept those who are not accepted by others,
to show kindness, joy and peace to my surroundings.

Lord,
teach me not to quit when the going gets tough,
but give me the courage to change the things I can
strength to face all challenges...
and wisdom to decide my actions...
let me smile to the storm in front of me...
For I know where my strength comes from
and for who holds my future...

Lord,
may this day brings peace and joy...
may your blessings flow through me
so others may see your tender love and mercy...

graduate studies?

yesterday I was called by one of my lecturer and asked whether I am interested to take a scholarship for an MA programme.. I was like.. whoaa!! mee?? and still keep asking that very same question after I went out from this lecturer's office.

Well this is new, totally!
It's a 9 months program in Ireland, studying rituals and chants..
Another huge unexpected news that can change my future...
Indeed it was really a surprise..

Post graduate studies? now?
Where I never think such a possibility at this point of time?
Where I have settled (and somehow constrained) myself to what lies in front of me?
Indeed it was such a big surprise...

As interesting and exciting the challenge may be,...
I need to decide soon since school will start in September.
More discussions and prayers need to be done within the next week...
But whatever happens,...
I'm just grateful for what's happening in my life at this point of time ...

coffee

it's not that I'm really into it or loved it so much...
it's just because I need it these days.
but now I'm searching, learning and yearning for good coffee..
need to find 'coffee guru's' to teach me...
hope I won't get addicted though...

and yes, I am changing... =D

'tiny' revelation

Yesterday during the "once in a year session" with my mentor I had a 'tiny' revelation. I shared her about me having ADHD and interestingly she knows a lot about this kinda thing!
she told me that instead of ADHD, probably what I have is actually ADD or just ADS, coz I didn't really showed any hyperactive syndrome or disorder. We talked a lot about it and I think I knew myself better afterwards, or at least I know other people who could accept me better from this condition. The conversation was good and it stretched until almost 1,5 hours, which I thought would only took less than 1 hour. After 1,5 hours of that 'tiny' revelation session, I know that I am on the right track so far..