The glory of the young is their strength

it was a really nice evening prayer when there was a testimony from a 93 years old lady about her faith. Br. Alois said that although herr age is old but she is very young at spirit. no time to write everything now, will continue later, (whenever is possible, which i dunno when)

what if...

What will you do if you only have 3 more months to live?
yesterday I heard my college friend was diagnosed with a 4th stage liver cancer and the doctor tod him that he only have 3 more months to live...

Mistakes

its my other middle name...

Wasp

I got stung by a wasp (a meaner n way more aggressive type of a bee) yesterday afternoon on my neck...
had to hold a huge ice cube for 3 hours (including in the evening prayer)... and in this small communtity everyone was making a fuss out of it.. too much I guess..

Community

in this small community, everyone will know everything...
even the smallest thing that happened ....
news are spreading very fast..
luckily, this community life is based on trust and love..
sssttt.....

Fourth week, the Summer week

This is the start of the fourth week...
This week I'm responsible with the big kitchen coordination and visitor's welcome
It means that in the morning I'll be going back and forth to and from the kitchen with loads of stuffs. Hope the team will be great. I never do this before though, so I don't know what's gonna happen... surely be fun, or better said, lets make it fun! yeaah....
in the afternoon I'll be welcoming people who only come to Taize for one or two days... not sure what and how to do this though but hospitality is the priority here I guess..
I'm glad that I don't have any jobs in the evening, but probably I will try to help the church team since I know I'll have much responsibilities to come in the church.. better learn from now on since summer is always different than other weeks.. but off course if I'm tired I think I will give more time rest, or read, or write, or to reflect and do some ponderingss  hehe

Ow, today I fiinally worked in the afternoon and will have meetings for next week shortly. Yesterday was a very packed day though... can't even breath even for a while... Olinda the whole day, kitchen training after lunch and 3 consecutive meetings in the afternoon and back night guarding Olinda..
but so far I loved it and can't wait for this week!

Recap of Olinda

Right Place and Track

This morning I had another inspiration or confirmation that I'm at the right place. Doing and learning all this stuf is what I used to do @ BW but way in a smaller level and I'm quite sure that what I'm doing here at the moment is for the future of BW too.. organizing (or be part of) a neverending retreat, coordinating this and that with large numbers of participants, how to be attentive to them, how too empower and mobilize volunteers... this is part of what I'll be doing in  BW, whatever the future might be...or no matter what I'll become... so yea, again... I beieve I'm on the right track  

Give and Receive

the Be and the Do

inspiration

...

The air is filled with love
as my mind and heart swings together in joy
Peace filled the sanctuary of my heart
for nothing can fathom his love and mercy
as the greatest gift off all...
I am happier and happier here
and I wish I can share everything that I experience here with you
coz I miss you every single day
hope you're as happy as I am
Or even more, happier than me here..

Olinda

A: Hey Yoseph, guess what?
Y: What? (uh oh...)
A: You'll be working at Olinda next week
Y: Woww!! (oh my..)
A: Yeap, and you'll be the coordinator
Y: Oh wow!! (oooh my God!!)
A: And you'll also be the night guard at Olinda
Y: Whoow!! (oh my dear Lord.. no!!)

well, I will have to work at Olinda next week...
and I just know that sooner or later I will be given this task..

Olinda is a place for families located at Ameugny, a neighbouring village 10 minutes walk from Taize.
It's not about the distance or the families that worries me.. it's the children!!
I will be responsible for all the children there for the whole week and defo willl be part of the animation team who has to do all this skits and drama for them, not to mention playing with them during bible discussions for their parents...

Another bonus is that I will have to sleep there as well.. which means that I will be all alone during the night.. it's not what I'm hoping for sure..but then again, I know this is part of the moulding and shaping process which IB hav to endure.

But IB believe that it is the best for me.
And since it's the best for me, I hope that I can make the best of myself for them...

It's gonna be a fun week!

T-Spot

yesterday Sixto just showed me the T spot. his best spot in Taize, and I have to agree with him..
Now I have the best T-spot here..awesome! 

Aber du Weisst

Stefan

He's an Austrian permanent guy and his story is just amazing, and he's a very nice guy with only one hand..
will update the story later... and I think I might go to Austria once my Taize time is over... this is way cool!

mental handicapped and social work

Hein

walk on water

welcome to the world

Tricolore

tricolore

Quinta!!

that's her name.. strange for a dutch name, but she's fascinating. She came here two days ago and from the moment I saw here I knew that there is something interesting about her. Coincidencely I was the one who welcomed her in the church and from then on my eyes are set on her, especially during prayer time when I can see her more often. Normally she has a spot near to where I sit btw =P

She's just so adorable, sweet and beautiful, and people have been talking about her, even the Petite Morada boys too. In the church people can't stop looking at her and there's this guy who approached me and asked me things about her, which I can only answer by a smile =D. She came with an epileptic old man and her job is to help this guy when his epileptic symptoms occured since she knows when it will happen..pretty amazing I have to say, coz she can really calm this man down from his symptoms, or at least help him take his medication before the symptoms occur...

She didn't talk much compare to the guy... but yet above all people this week.. she's the one that captured both my eyes and this is gonna be an interesting week.... at least will be different then other weeks... we'll see how this progress and let's see how many much I can write about her.. dunno her age tho, but maybe it's not that important anyway...

Well today she didn't showed up in church. apparently the guy's symptoms broke out since yesterday evening until today.. so I didn't get to see her, hope to see both of them during evening prayer though...

so about the epileptic attack, it happened around 30 minutes and it needed half a day to recover... but they showed up in the evening prayer and I got to chat with them for a while...

she has been working for this guy for three years now and he told me that before quinta worked for him everytime the epileptic attack came he had to go to a hospital but ever since quinta was there he never has to go to hospital anymore...

from all the stories I heard, it's quite obvious that Quinta is very patient...and I mean very very very patient, something in which I need to learn at this point of time....

the story finally continued, or ended? probably the second fits in better...

well, i didnt meet her that often during the weekend.. mostly just in the church during prayer time.. and I saw the epileptic strike a few days ago.. on thursday the more exact.. and it was a bad one... she had to accompanied this guy for a looong time and can't do nothing much.. what a pitty...but she already tried to warned him before it happened but it was a bit late...

one of this guy's friend told me that the latest strike had make the guy rested for 2 days because it was really tiring for this guy after the strike.. there was a metal placed in this guy's chest that needs to be electrified whenever the strike is about to happened because it was part of the brain that cause this deseace and it can be calmed down by electrifying it... and since Quinta knows when it will happen, she has been a life savior to him eversince...in fact, if it were not for Quinta, the guy might not be alive anymore now...

and now she's gone.. I will never see her again in the church, being so nice, sweet and silent...
she left with the whole other 800 people who were here the whole week..
too bad I didn't get the chance to take a picture with her...

oh, btw, she a golden retriever.. a very sweet and adorable golden retriever...
how often do you get to see a dog in the church..
and she never barked in the church, not even once...

the end

2nd Week Schedule

so, this is my second week schedule...
8.15 morning prayer
9.0 breakfast with Petite Morada boys
9.45 - 12.0 El Abiodh Kitchen Cuisine
12.3 midday prayer
15.0 -17.0 Church Work (too many sweet girls helping in the afernoon church, distracting, and way too many people =D)
19.0 supper with the brothers
20.3 evening prayer

Every Monday/Tuesday and Friday there are always a bible study for the volunteers...
The weather so far this week has been wonderful! and I'm enjoying more of my stay here too
This week I have time to play some Freesbee with the boys though, and we plan to do it regularly.. thank God =D

First Week

First week has ended, thank God... pretty slow in adapting this time... things are just not the same and I need to put in more efforts than before.. which I didn't do much apparently ...
Heart issues.. well I think I was still having heart issues, haven't done yet over the past months..

The weather were pretty much not so friendly for the whole week, and yesterday was the worst, 13 degrees in the beginning of summer. What a summer!

And the food, despite I'm lovin' it so much, think gave my stomach some additional acid and gas.. So I skipped supper today just to sleep. and it was a wonderful powernap.. a looooooong nap that was hahaha...

Several farewells for Melvin, Milda and Michael.. a good M's coincidene this week...how wonderful.
I hoped I blend in well with the Petite Morada boys.. certanly haven't got time to talk much with Jose...
but hopefully this week will hae more fun with them..

So, second week is here, better put vitality, strength, excitement, joy and compassion in to place now!

The not so good Sunday

Everytime  you go to church on Sundays, people always greeted you and say "happy Sunday"... I always wonder why they only do it on Sundays and not on other days. But in Taize, Sunday is definitely not so good for the pilgrimage (or we called them people in the fields) because it's farewell day.. since Saturday evening you can see sad faces around and the cold weather really help their mellow mood... after the Sunday Eucharist you can see tears and more sad faces around.. people hugging and just never wanting to leave this place... and Michael, the German permanent also leaves today too.. and yea, I always never like farewells...
but at the other hand, Sundays are good for the permanents (volunteers) coz they can finally take a break from a very busy week of work.. but still most of us think that Sundays are not so good here.. way to emotional.. 

A kid Who Wants to Share his World and Life

I'm just like a naive little boy who wants to share everything in my life. All the excitements, joy, sorrow, tears and pain,.. it's all my life! and I want to share'em especially to people that I care about... sigh, or maybe I just suck at relationship... coz you know, what do a little boy know about relationship except for being selfish and self centered? forgive me, again...

Dream

Having finished reading Randy Pausch's "The Last Lecture" book which was really inspiring, I jotted down all my dreams that I can think of, and here they are : (not in alphabetical order nor according to priority)
1. Have and put a Darth Vader or Storm Trooper or Batman (but off course!) costume and walk arund with pride =D
2. Design my own sport shoes
3. Having a Youth Center
4. Teaching children in villages or small islands, but overall, teaching
5. Doing ministry together with my love ones
6. Go to Anfield n watch Liverpool games
7. Open a restaurant, become a chef and have my own original recipe
8. Photography! photography!
9. Diving

Well, I still have more dreams but lets keep this number for now...some of them I have achieved, some of them just partially, but some others I haven't get the chance to do. And yep, being a pastor is not in the list, although I believe I can be a good one...

What's your dreams?

Temperature Drop

The temperature has dropped from 18 degrees to 13 today.. not much of a number but boy you can really feel the difference. I guess it doesn't only effected an Asian like me but to the whole community here too. my Asian skin is just trying to survive here.. it's freezing! Hope the sun and the 'so called' summer wiill show up soon..

settle

I guess what had happened to me lately really influenced me. Last year during my first week I would be jumping arund, having the hype and then feeling sad because I'm gonna miss my new friends, but now I'm just settling in... it took me four days to be able to be 'normal' again, and this is definitely not normal! well at least now I can enjoy everything in this beautiful hill with all the people around...n most importantly, to feel the peace again..

Michael

a small corner named insecurity

a

Food

I find that I'm always hungry and craving for food here.
Maybe it's just because of the weather (everyone seems to agree with this idea =D)...
well, here are the foods that I ate here,... so far....

Breakfast: French bread, butter (I really like butter!), chocolate bar and powder, cheese, jam, milk, coffee and tea. you just choose whatever you want
Lunch: Vegetables as appetizer, cellery, with olive oils and other spices, chipulatos (a kind of sausage), turkey, brat wurst (German sausage), bread, carrots, flower kol, mashed (and not mashed) potatoes, green beans, sometimes rice, chicken, yoghurt, fresh fruits and biscuits as desserts (+ fish and wine if you are eating with the brothers)
Supper: (always with the brothers) soup with bread, butter, cheese and boiled egg, lasagna, tisch, veggies and mostly similar main course and desserts.. normally for desserts we have canned fruits and off course coffee and tea never slips out from the table...
(to be continued)

farewell

I just hate farewells

trust

we dont need to know or to understand everything.
we just need to trust...

Melvin

He is an Indian permanent (volunteer) whom I met this week and we had to work together in the church. This guy is very particular and detailed. He wanted things to be done according to his way, or to how he knows or probably how he has been taught. He annoyed me sometimes coz for him it was like there's only one way to do things and that's it!... well I just smiled to him knowing  its part of what i have to learn here as well..

Looking at him managing people in the church last night i bet more people were annoyed by him, but there I found something and I can say I like this guy.. I believe he is a hard working and dedicated guy, kind and pure in heart. He's leaving today by the way, and I know him only for several days, but I know he's a good man and its my pleasure to meet him. I've  learned things from him and he's a friend to me now. Good luck for your next endeavour my friend. All the best to you..    

write

So many things to write, so little time!

Purple Umbrella

My purple umbrella just decided that it needs an adventure on its own and it has been move around the Taize compound without me eversince...
from a bunch of Lithuanian girls to an old lady, then to a single parent mom, then to I don't know who else...
never occured to me that an umbrella can be such a blessing for others...

Work Work Work

People think  that being in Taize you can relax and pray and pray and pray...
well guess again! Here we work more hours than ordinary people work.. It's actually more hectic and busier, and this is not summer, yet! Here is my schedule for this week..
8.15 morning prayer
9.00 breakfast with the Petite Morada boys
9.50 work in the church till 12.0
12.3 midday prayer
13.0 lunch at Tilleul with all male vounteers
15.0 bible introduction till 17.0
19.0 supper with the brothers and the boys
20.3 evening prayer till 21.3

well that's all.. but I still have other things to do, like yesterday, at 14.3 I was being interviewed for the Taize web video page (hopefully it gotten through, so you can see me in the Taize website hehe), then at 18.0 had a meeting with my contact brother... and after evening prayer met my junior from TTC who is having her intern here like me last year... and all that, if you stiill wanna hagout with the boys  to know them better, make sure you are in the common room with them.. so how many hours was left for myself? funny when people take time for granted and just waste them..
and again, this is not summer, yet! during supper one of the brother asked me what's my job this week, and when I describe him what I'm responsibe with, he just smile and said.. "ah, soft and easy start, no?" I smiled and nod as an ageement. so guess again when you think that we have plenty of time here...=D

work and pray, work and pray... this is the llife here...
I hope I can always see and give meaning in everything I do

Life is like a video game...

Paris

I arrived in Paris around 2pm and the immigration was never a problem here. The weather wasa just nice, around 21 - 22 degrees Celcius. On the way to Gare de Lyon (the train station) rain started to pour down, giving Paris a different ambiance, or a welcome for me?

Being in Paris, people always think about the Eiffel, NotreDame, Champs de' Elysse or the Louvre and say how romantic Paris is with their language. But for me, Paris pretty much reminded me of the 'Before Sunrise' and 'Before Sunset' movies... I'm dreaming  that I could re-live the scenes, walking down the aisles and alongside the riverbanks, crusing on the canals, drinking coffee at the same coffeeshop and off course watching the stars at the same garden.. pretty cool and romantic I should say..and by this I don't mean doing it alone for sure (nor with a guy) =D

But so far the one thing that I can't forget about Paris is the sound of the police sirens. It seemed that everyday at every hour at every part of the city you can just here those sirens...  

Departure

The Best is NOW! (and in the future too)

Endurance and Patience

Got it! gotta start working on it now! (altough it might take forever to succeed)

live and let learn

kita adalah manusia pembelajar yang terus belajar

help me...

where I'll go, I don't know...
at this point the road do not show its end nor destination.
help me to be like Abraham, to walk in no man's land with only faith and nothing but faith.. help me to put my faith in you in this pilgrimage of trust..
help me for I am weak and unworthy..

Love

This is the only definition I know about love.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails"

I will learn

I haven't had this kind of feeling for sooo long..

One day you feel happy but the next day you felt lousy..
Your emotions is being stirred and shaken.. and you don't have any clue of what's going on.
how fast things changed and you don't even know where you're standing or where to place your foot next

I will leave it that way for I'm learning to trust.
I'm learning to accept, and I'm learning to love...
I'm learning to care and I'm learning to persevere
This is a part of what you have been doing to change me, this is what you want me to learn...

I will pray and I will sing
I will surrender to your will
I will remain weak and small
So you can always be strong and big
And I remain in your plan

HOME again... where??

graduation

the one and only graduation I wish I can forget about...

lifted and smacked down

before sunrise

before sunrise is one of my favourite movie...
there are only two people in the movie and they were just talking, simply talking...
but what made me love this movie soooo much was the depth of their conversation..
It was simple, deep, interesting, intriguing, enriching and inspiring...
I was lost for words to describe this movie... it was simply brilliant!

interestingly enough, I think I had my own version of this movie...
It started around two months ago at a western part of Jakarta
and continued at a night in Singapore just a week ago...
from midnite, till before sunrise. Pure talking, simply talking.
it was just a great piece of memory which I thought never existed in reality....
the movie ends before sunrise...
my story? it just began...

here I am

My days in TTC is now numbered by days...
this is what I have been waiting for so long...
(since the day I arrived probably? hehehe)
I don't know whether me being here has shaped my character or has trained my knowledge better..

What I do know its a place of process.
A process of knowing my self better, of expanding my horizons, of knowing this world a bit better, and to participate in it.
It is a place to find my conviction and to live up to that conviction with no doubt anymore.

Once I graduate, people may have a lot of expectations from me, no doubt about it.
It sometimes scares me because I know that I don't know much and I am so limited..
but I have to say, this is about giving back time..
after all of this is over, it's time to give back
everything I have....

So here I am, ready or not...

"FUN.K.Y"

yeap, we are fun !!

how can this not be true?

happiness is not trying to make yourself happy, but to see others happy... that's when true happiness achieved

- Yoseph Kurniawan-

I am happy..

that I can see you again...
that I can hear your voice again...
that I can see your smile again...
that I can see all the funny things you did again..

I just can't believe that this is really happening...
Looked and felt surreal, but I do know that this is real..
I hope it will only become better and better...

Landscape. Machinery. People

Alicja Iwanska a Polish anthropologist, divided the world of human beings into three categories from Western farmers perspective.

The first category is landscape. Distant mountains, trees, scenery and the un-manipulated environment. As mush to the enjoyment, it does not have any emotional content of relation for the viewers.

The second category is machinery. They have high value and cared for it because it is important to them to increase their productivity.

The third category is people. Friends, neighbors. They are human beings with whom they live, grow up and died with, and with whom one has constant emotional relationships on the social and business level.

Interestingly, how we often view human beings is similar to the analogy above.  We tend to view them as landscape and machinery, but not people! In the church, for instance, how many people do we look merely as landscape? They might look good and interesting, but had no emotional content whatsoever to us, in which we are not even bothered with it. And how many people do we view as machines? A friend of mine shared that some people in her young adult ministry felt that they were just being used in the ministry, just as those machinery. They are being cared for and kept in their proper place as long as they do us good.  We like to have them around as long as they keep their place and do not disturb our circle of comfort zones. How utterly characteristic is the tendency for us as Christians to look on human beings as machinery! This is exactly how the world views human beings these days!!

What we need to do now is to come to the fundamental realization of a human being in order to make a change. If we are going to be persons among people, our privacy, our established patterns of what convenient and comfortable are to be drastically modified. Our sense of belonging to ourselves will have to be filed away and we will have to develop a sense of belonging to others.

Are we ready to answer the call to be the salt and the light? 

Are we ready, as Paul says to “become all things to all men so that by all means we might win some”?

Extracted from William A. Smalley’s The World Is Too Much With Us

I missed you..

I missed you...
A few months back I had beautiful moments with you..
When morning and midday waves just break on the sea shore..
When the wind blew gently and whispered peace...
It was just beautiful.
I can't even hide my smile wherever I go

But then the storm came and things changed...
The night creeped in and darkness swung the wind into no man's land..
Turbulence began as the ocean's roar..
I know you're still there.. but we didn't talk much anymore..
at least not as much as before...
and I missed it, a lot...especially in the morning when I use to open my eyes and smiled at you
When I talked to you and you whispered hope in my ears..
A voice of love that gave peace in my heart..
Oh I how missed those moments of beauty..

the most of it...

I don't know what happened with you guys...
But what you did lately did not help me at all
I've been trying to escape from this imagery for sometimes..
As slowly I drew back from you guys..
Knowing that it will only make it harder in the end.
But each week why did you have to ask that question again and again?
Why do you all even have to brought it up?

It's coming to the end now,...
Being with you all for more than two years add the taste in my life...
Knowing you all has brought a lot of inspirations into my life
You have coloured my life with things that I couldn't imagine before..
I can never erase those from my memory or my heart, forever
I know that I will miss you guys, a lot...

small and unimportant...

So, these past days something different had happened...
As small and less important as it may be, it is a very good sign..
for only in small and what seemingly unimportant things that my life rely on these days..
No matter how small it is, it brought meaning into my life...
It is how I see God working in my life
Every bit is a sign of hope...
Thank you...

do you know...

do you know...that I always admire your heart?
do you know...that I'm so proud of you?
do you know...that you're the one who knows me best?
do you know...that I only want the best for you?
do you know...that I always regretted myself every time I yelled at you?
do you know...that I always prayed the best for you?
do you know...I wish people wouldn't say things that hurt your feeling?
do you know...how stupid I feel thinking that I'm better than you?
do you know...how angry I am when people compares us?
do you know...how much I want you to be happy?
do you know...how much I loved you?
do you know...that no matter what I will still love you?



just shared the poo story tonight =D (yea, I know.. not the best story to tell)
but I realized that you're the best brother I ever have in this entire planet..
love you always Yos.. 
always...

another morning prayer

Lord,
teach me to be humble,
to accept people the way they are,
to accept those who are not accepted by others,
to show kindness, joy and peace to my surroundings.

Lord,
teach me not to quit when the going gets tough,
but give me the courage to change the things I can
strength to face all challenges...
and wisdom to decide my actions...
let me smile to the storm in front of me...
For I know where my strength comes from
and for who holds my future...

Lord,
may this day brings peace and joy...
may your blessings flow through me
so others may see your tender love and mercy...

graduate studies?

yesterday I was called by one of my lecturer and asked whether I am interested to take a scholarship for an MA programme.. I was like.. whoaa!! mee?? and still keep asking that very same question after I went out from this lecturer's office.

Well this is new, totally!
It's a 9 months program in Ireland, studying rituals and chants..
Another huge unexpected news that can change my future...
Indeed it was really a surprise..

Post graduate studies? now?
Where I never think such a possibility at this point of time?
Where I have settled (and somehow constrained) myself to what lies in front of me?
Indeed it was such a big surprise...

As interesting and exciting the challenge may be,...
I need to decide soon since school will start in September.
More discussions and prayers need to be done within the next week...
But whatever happens,...
I'm just grateful for what's happening in my life at this point of time ...

coffee

it's not that I'm really into it or loved it so much...
it's just because I need it these days.
but now I'm searching, learning and yearning for good coffee..
need to find 'coffee guru's' to teach me...
hope I won't get addicted though...

and yes, I am changing... =D

'tiny' revelation

Yesterday during the "once in a year session" with my mentor I had a 'tiny' revelation. I shared her about me having ADHD and interestingly she knows a lot about this kinda thing!
she told me that instead of ADHD, probably what I have is actually ADD or just ADS, coz I didn't really showed any hyperactive syndrome or disorder. We talked a lot about it and I think I knew myself better afterwards, or at least I know other people who could accept me better from this condition. The conversation was good and it stretched until almost 1,5 hours, which I thought would only took less than 1 hour. After 1,5 hours of that 'tiny' revelation session, I know that I am on the right track so far..

morning prayer

Teach me to walk with you in trust and obedience...
Let me not be troubled with what lies ahead of me,
but let me put my trust in you.
Let your peace abide in me so that I may share it with others...


"Do not let your hearts be trouble. Trust in God" John 14:1

walk the talk...

huff... today was quite intriguing...
relationships, again..
sometimes its just so hard to do what you think..
walk the talk is not so easy after all,
especially when ego and selfishness is still very much in control..

But I guess whenever God is leading and we give ourselves to his will and perspective, then no matter how much ego we have, no matter how selfish we are, we will be able to see his way and we'll realize how he answers our prayers, providing our needs (not our will), guiding us in every step of the way and giving the best possible directions...
still it doesn't mean that its gonna be easy to walk the talk..

Yes, relationship always talks about how to love others..
But to love others we need not our pride and selfishness..
What we need is humility from which care and acceptance came about for acceptance is the beginning to love..
living a life of love is what I believe living in God.
still, walk the talk is not that easy...

you just made my day

and close my entire -not so good- week with a big smile
thank you!! =D

anti depressant ...

Swimming has been proven to be an effective anti depressant medicine for me so far, ...
But today it didn't work. in fact it leaves my entire body aching afterwards...
what is going on with my body this week?

at the beginning

found an old song which I really like back then.. 
still cool tho...


We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

the book

I know the road is still long and nothing is certain at this point..
but should I close the book of what use to be an exciting and adventurous part of life, a book that has coloured my life for all this time?
I know I am thinking about that possibility...
and somehow I am doing that, unconsciously...
What used to be a huge flare has dimmed a lot..the fire has gone...
and I know I am changing ...
This process is really tiring me up..
but I do believe it is for the better ...
so help me God to adjust to all these changes..
Whether I should close this book or keep it open, I surrender it to you, so when the time comes, I know what decision I have to make...

a good day, almost...

after two not so good days, I was hoping that today will be better...and indeed it seemed to be, although I had to take two cups of coffee in the morning and during afternoon class break..
but I dunno why something had to spoil what could've been a good day...
I really don't... but what can I say?
this is such an unexpected life...

Life is like a Mountain

Life is like a mountain. 
Reaching its peak is the aim.
However trails are difficult to go through.

But what's important are... 
The lessons I've learned,
Challenges I've experienced,
and the people I'm with in my journey.

shift

Yes I can see that my life is shifting and I am changing...
Yet I'm so new to these changes..

perfect

you're perfect in my eyes...
what more can I ask ?
I've travelled through time and place
I walked through different paths
walking on sandy beaches, looking at the endless sea..
hiking up hills and mountains, listening the wonders of nature..
conceptualizing and connecting my heart and mind
trying to find what is perfect and what is not..
finally to realize that what I need to do is to accept
for you are perfect in my eyes...

I will keep on walking...
I will keep on running...
I will keep the journey...
I will keep learning to trust...
I will keep learning to believe...
for you are perfect in my eyes..

A lesson of love, sacrifice and life

It is Good Friday...
and as I woke up, the best thing that came out from my mind was a word play to a friend who was having his birthday. Since his first name is the same with the word "Good" in Good Friday..."Agung, Jumat (nya) Agung" or in English, "Good Friday, Good"..so the word play fits in well

then another unexpected thing happened again after church. My aunt told me that her sister in law had catalepsy and was in ER at Mt. E. Well I was going there anyway but that news prompted my mind.. "what's going on?" the very same question I always asked myself (or God) whenever I had an unexpected thing or news (which has been very frequent this year). so yea, that question is quite famous these days, at least for me. I don't even know them, this lady and her daughter.. I never met them.. now I'm visiting them, and she's in ER. what should I say to them? I'm not good in these kinda thing at all.. it freaked me out..

But there I was, in the ER.
And as I checked with a nurse there, she told me that she had left ER..so I search for her room. In the lift I bumped into a lady in her bed with the nurses and a young girl which turned out to be them! but I didn't know that until I enter the room and found that they are also going there.

And yea, so I talked to her daughter.. who then started to cry as she spills her story about her mum..I felt compassionate for her. She is soo young.. yet she had to face this condition alone since she's the only child and no one else were there... she was confused, literally confused, not knowing what to say or do..

her mum was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago, already in stadium 4, the latest phase of cancer, the most dangerous one that is.. since then she went back and forth to Singapore for treatment and chemo... but this time she wanted to checked whether she also had stroke or not since there were symptoms about it. There wasn't thank God, but her physical condition was very weak.. she even couldn't take the last chemotherapy.
and while they were in a cab, just gong out from the hospital on their way back to the airport, then suddenly she had catalepsy. she fainted and her daughter panicked. They went back to the hospital.

So there I was, a stranger to everyone in a place which I dislikes most (this, and funerals). Not long afterwards her cousin came and so there were the 3 of us.. which I think is better for her. From her sharing, I realized that it has been a heavy burden for her.. her dad left them for another woman recently, which then make the case worse. She said that she can't take this much longer... at the other hand, by how I listened to her mum's sharing, I saw that her mum's spirit is still high.. she still has a passion to live...

I understand how hard it could be for this young girl...
I can't just tell her not to give up on her mum...
who am I to say such things to her? I didn't experience what she had gone through...
what I can do, maybe, is just to support her mum and show the daughter that living is worth fighting for.. no matter how hard and difficult the path is...

I believe God gives and takes away..
I also believe our part is to cherish what he has given.. LIFE
a life that you gave us by sacrificing yourself on the cross..
what a Good Friday you have given me..
Thank you O Lord..
for you have taught me a lesson of love, sacrifice and life...

(thanks K, for making me realized how amazing my Good Friday actually was, and how good my God is)

a new me

I'm in the process of transformation to being a 'new me'
The process has started a while ago, never know when this stage will end..
But this is surely something big that will change my life forever..
I trembled when I realized this... What do you want this time O Lord?
One thing I have in my heart and mind...
O God walk with me and guide me along the way..
So I can follow you and be what you want me to be...

back to the hill...

Guess I'm going back to the hill again.. yayy!!
Can't wait for that moment...
Thy will be done O God..

Living in You

Good Morning, World

For a week I've been trying to sleep early in order to wake up early.
Having struggled to deal with this issue since the day I arrived here in Singapore.

But somehow this time it worked and I enjoyed it. 

Having time for a morning conversation with God surely enlightens my heart, as I am able to pray for other people as well. I am more ready to face the day, having arranged my thoughts before I go out and face the 'world'

True I still feel sleepy during the day, but well, what can I say? 

in this routine life I'm having now, sitting too much will definitely make me sleepy.

But well.. it's not about being sleepy..

I hope I can continue this for my remaining days in Singapore...
so, Good morning world =D

enjoy

I think I'm beginning to enjoy this process...

ADHD

never thought I have an adult ADHD before...
after all this time, isn't a bit late to realize this?

I don't know what level of ADHD I am or was .. 

but for sure the symptoms are there..

I knew that I'm different..
sometimes it became a problem but sometimes I can see it in a good way. I never knoe the term until last week during a conversation with someone.. (well last week I learned a lot about different things, but especially about God, some other people and me.. thanks K =D)

well...
isn't it good to know better about yourself?
for me it is coz life is always a self discovery journey as well

It's always good to know better about yourself at any stage of life and to maximize the potential hidden in it for a better good, for ourselves and for others...

and that's what I need to find out and do...

*ADHD = attention deficit hyperactive disorder

the road so far...

indeed the road so far has been very much unexpected
at one point I understand the big picture, yeah, and since then new (and good) things started to come into my life. It was great, but it doesn't mean that the road is gonna be easy...
from last week's sermon, I totally agree with what Pt. Dave had said that following God and being faithful to him does not necessary mean that we will receive good things as a sign of our obedience. Faithful means faithful. period. It does not come with anything else.

there are two major things in my life ahead. Both of them are still not clear and it's still hanging in the balance. but I'm not worried nor scared as long as I know that I'm walking with him. I just want to obey and be faithful to him, to continue the pilgrimage of trust on earth, and learn to love.

the road so far...
is about being grateful for whatever happens in my life..
knowing that in the end it will lead to the best..

break

people say the longer you stayed in one place the better you adapt..
Well I've been moving around from one place to other places many times in my life and I thought I am a person who can adapt well in different places...
but whenever I went to Jakarta to have my break and I have to return to Singapore, why is it always getting harder and harder? and why am I happy about that? =D

future

I am happy for I know who holds my future
I am happy for now my future is getting brighter
I am happy knowing that I'm in love...
I'm in love with LIFE

Happy Happy Happy...

birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday and its Inter College Games Day at the same time....
it is just nice that I'll be very busy..
When birthday is suppose to make you happy with what people might give or say to you, what I can think at this moment is..
How much can I give on my birthday?
Hope I can give my all for others....

I trust in you...

I trust in you...
A word with so much meaning...
But to me.. It's a word that I have been taught for the past 2 months, especially when I was in Manila for the Taize meeting. A dear friend of mine, Natalie keep saying to me "hey, this is a time of trust".
Probably she was joking (or serious, I'm not really sure :D) cause we were just making fun to each other.. But i guess she's right. The pilgrimage of trust is something I'm in and it's not just a slogan.. It's real. 


I've been living an unexpected life this year, and for what purpose? For me to enjoy and be happy? I guess it might.. But the true answer is actually something that I discovered today when i was in the plane. 
It is for me to learn to trust God just as the psalmist said, "I trust in You"...

My current life maybe hanging in the balance.. My future after I graduate, my relationships.. Everything is still unclear at the moment.. I guess it's just a way for God to teach me not to worry and say "I trust in you"...

I whispered these very words to a friend before I left Manila.. And now I whisper the same words to you in delight and gladness....


"All my times are in your hand, all events at your command"
                                                                       Rynald

another SMALL unexpected things...

C'mon.. be real.. this is LIFE...
what else can it gives us besides unexpected things? after all.. I'm in Singapore..
a country with less unexpected things.. hehe.. no offence...

but the title is still about the unexpected things at different level..
it can be BIG with different occasions like before..
but it can also be SMALL like this week....
somehow I find its hard to make certain decision this week..
so many things to think about, made me tired, especially when it's endless...
even a small thing can become HUGE, well, its on how view this small or huge anyway..
but again, today he saves my ass again.. my hero, as always..
whenever I'm in trouble, he always come to my rescue..
as my friend says "yet again God saves my ass"
and indeed he does, everytime...

expect the unexpected

I don't know what is going on this year!!
there has been many unexpected things in my life in just 2 months time...
even from the early days of the new year..
it's either me becoming so random or it is just life..
I'm not sure... but so far I enjoyed it... it brings spirit into my life back..
and I wouldn't be surprised either if more unexpected thing happens to me in the future..
so just expect the unexpected..

you are never alone

Our place is within community...
We reshape community, we strengthen hearts and refresh minds
But this only can happen through God's initiative and love to have communion with us. God himself came to us and bond us with his love, and by his grace unite his people in one accord through prayers, melodies, and sharing.

Taize is not just about friendship or prayer, its about community.. 
We might not know everyone in the community, but we certainly are not alone, and it feels good knowing that we're not alone in this journey, in this pilgrimage of life.. Whether we're Looking for purpose and meaning in life, or seeking God the almighty.. Whether we're lost, discouraged, frustrated, lonely or even when we can't focus in prayer, we're not alone. on the contrary, when we're happy and in joy we too know that we are never alone..

I believed that many people after the meeting realized that our world is getting bigger yet smaller at the same time. Bigger, having met and known new people in our lives and smaller for we now know that wherever we go we now have friends in those countries. knowing this gives us comfort, encouragement and even blessings...yes, we are not alone anymore..

Such community is the community of God. A community  where people encourage each other, support, pray and share, just in acts 2:41-47. Isn't such a relief knowing that In this more and more individualistic world, we're not alone..

Off course not everyone realize this, as we might not always realize how the Holy Spirit works in us as well... We only know that we are continuing this pilgrimage.. The Spirit is not over although the meeting is over, for the Spirit is in us, workin in us and through us. Realizing this certainly will give something different in our life. It gives us meaning. A meaning of our life in this world, meaning of what we are doing, and meaning of what God has done in our life. Having meaning in life gives us power, energy, excitement, optimism, and purpose to walk one step further in our life with God in doing his will, to share his love and peace in every possible ways... yet, such a great power knowing that we're doing this with others for we are not alone...

at the end of the day

I had a great day today, and swimming just add my day ..
I'm happy.. as I always normally..
and at the end of the day I can only say..
thank you...

never say goodbye

what Taize taught my faith was: there will never be goodbyes, it's just a temporary farewell..
for we will always meet again... someday, somehow...

FIVE days, FIFTY different countries, FIVE thousand young people, ONE trust

as my friend nicely puts it..
"FIVE days, FIFTY different countries, FIVE thousand young (and not so young =P) people, ONE trust"...
it was what we experienced in Makati, Manila, Philippines last week...
Maybe I went too far (I'm not so sure about that either, but I was totally random -_-) but I can recall the Taize spirit bringing us into a ONE big family,... a family of Christ.

being there in the community reminds me of what I've experienced in Taize last year, and it was great. The Philippinos were really hospitable, friendly and kind, including our foster brother James and the LaSalle students..The atmosphere was amazing, peaceful and filled with joy as new friendship starts to flourish.
I met old friends from Taize. Jeff, Hyo Seok, Natalie, Janice, Amanda, Smiling, Chang Jun, Agnes, Mickey and many more, not to mention knowing more ex permanents there..
another unforgettable experience, truly a community, close and knit together by the love of Christ.

As the prayers are sung, melodies dance into each heart and bring peace to the soul.
"The Lord is my shepherd, he refreshes me to the fullest" - "Ang Panginoon ang aking pastol, pinagiginahawa akong lubos".. reminds us to whom we put our trust to, and therefore to trust others...
to share life and love in peace... as what the Lord has given us through his simplicity to renew our faith and trust. "Bless the Lord my soul, who leads me into life"...

The air was warm and dry, but the melodies bring peace and love...
another hope for mankind, a new hope for a united world in peace...

wish...

I wish I could hold you in my arms again like it was before...
being together without words to speak.. only silence in the night...
holding hands and look into each other's eyes and smile...
witnessing beauty from above, as songs were sung in the air...
enjoying moments as there will be no tomorrow...
no words ...
just silence...
and a small miracle...


I wish there could be another small miracle...
if only I can wish such a thing...

relationships...

we can walk together without knowing each other...
we can hug or hold each other hands without knowing what is in our hearts...
we may have a total stranger besides us everyday without us knowing that...
what kind of relationship are we having now?

this year, only one month and two weeks gone, but there had been relationship crisis around my life..
in fact, these are my good and close friends...
I just can"t believe its happening at the same time around...
I can only pray for you friends and loved ones..
hoping the best still works in you..
and your heart can see the pure side of love...

just as seasons change, relationships bloom and fall...
hearts broken and torn down, leaving marks and holes as love grows and flourish..
at a time, we experience the downfall, and at the other time, hope floats as love starts to grow..
facts of life .. it is the wonders of life...

pray...

prayer DO make a difference...
thanks for the peace ...

Choices In Life

Any change, any loss, dos not make us victims.
Others can shake you, surprise you or disappoint you.
But they can't prevent you from moving on.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation,
you can always do something.

On every turn of life, you will always have a choice.
And that choice can be your power.

so far away

you're so far away...
you'd never say goodbye
and I keep on asking why...

....

I'm not happy right now...
I can't even remember what had happened ...
everything just went so fast..
can't hardly think...
jheezz...

something better

When something happens to you - Good or Bad;
Consider what it means....
There's a purpose to life's events.
to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want,
just sit tight and be happy.
God has thought of something better to give you

Irony

Finally, my grades are out...
had to wait several days since there was something wrong with the computing system...
and what an irony..
last semester was my laziest semester.
I didn't care much for my studies nor assignments..
not even for the deadline due date..

but yet, my grades last semester was the best compared to the previous semesters..
I should be very happy, shouldn't I? well yes off course I do
but ironically I feel that I don't deserve it at all..

I'm thinking of my friends who tried their best, study day and night, struggling to understand whatever they read.. ironic isn't?
Yes, grades is definitely not everything and I believe they have achieved something better than me actually...
Yes I also do have learned from last semester's course..

Then I began to questioned the system..
How grades can be something that people only seek...
I can reach the maximum score yet knowing nothing ...
Ironic

I never believe in grades...
for I have witness what it have shown...
Ironic..

a leap of time...

Two days ago I felt like it was yesterday

yesterday I felt like it was today

today I feel like it is tomorrow

A leap of time in my head?

weird.. weird weekend..

ready?

it's almost time to prepare for another travel...
a heart that set out to be free....
a new adventure awaits in a few weeks..
a new world about to explore...

pack my gear and ready to go...
but why my heart isn't?

well, I'm sure I will be ready in no time

kite

fly fly fly..

fly to where the wind blows...

it was fun to try to make it fly..

but damn hard when there's no wind at all...

beer

I need a can of beer to help me sleep these days...

"the" secret

finally, the secret is out in the open, at least in the family....
for all these years I've tried to hide it.. and indeed it was well hidden...
but now its out in the open...

i guess when I see the bigger picture, sometimes things do look different.
knowing that other people know and letting your defences down does not neccessarily mean that you're weak and vulnerable...
sure it will trouble my ego, but I guess opening "the" secret helps to save my heart from rotting and in fact set it free...and for the better of it, maybe it's worth for every part of it...
letting my fear out means there are some risks that I have to take..
conflict, judgement, pain and other nonsense I might suffer from this...
but at least I know that I'm not all alone....
and I know that I'm working for the better of it..

a lot like love

today we discussed psalm 103 in class.
the main point focused on God's love and compassion...
as the discussion moves further we stumble on the condition of his love. he knows us inside out, remembering of who we are, which are made of mud, worthless...
we are like wild flowers that spring and blossom, but snuffs out quickly by a storm...
we are nothing, but his love for us remains forever

can people love out of nothingness?
well, we have the good side and the bad..
while it's easy to love the good side, most people would love less when they discovered the bad ...
it can easily snuffs the love we have ...
it can be the nothingness...

as much as I have that kinda love itself, I've learned things I never discovered before.
real love is hard and tough, and I have always struggle with it..
but it does not ease out easily like the storm snuffs the blossom wild flowers...
no matter how bad things are...

I'm no expert in love.. I'm just someone being caught in the middle of it..
will my love remain forever? I don't know.. I only know one thing...

half my life I've learned that love and I still am..
half my life I've loved you and I still do...

purpose

i found this worth posting... for sure..
live for a purpose..

half

I just wrote half than what I've wrote last year in one day.. 'what happened to me last year anyway?

scars

I look at the scars on Bruce Wayne's back on the right picture...

and I look on my scars..

did I just heal an old one?
or did I just add a new one?

traffic light...

my friend asked me about the traffic light..

is it red, yellow, or green?

I said I don't know, the light is off... it must've been broken

So I went to check the traffic light

it's still off.. still not showing any colour...

and it's becoz I didn't even try to fix it

for I know it doesn't do any good trying to fix it now...

random?

me, being random.. yeah, that's so not me,..

but I did it.. and it was good, or at least i felt good about it..

I know what I want this time and nothing can stop it...not even my own mind..

I just don't know how to get it, unfortunately..

but this being random thingy was quite interesting

had new experiences, though I totally lost control of certain things..

but the main point was there.. achieved, yet still not secured...

i just hide it between the words..